I don’t want to grow up.
There are days, like today, when I simply just don’t want to grow up.
I’m serious. I WON’T grow up and you can’t make me.
That’s the conversation I am having with the ‘Little girl” who lives inside me. You know who I’m talking about. That little person who grabs a hold of your will and creates havoc in your life because she is not getting what she wants.
How many times have I told her to just sit down, be quiet, and let me do life the way I, the adult, need and want to do. Stay focused on the matter at hand until I’m too tired to see. Or running my day with such a fierce sense of urgency that I don’t recognize that I’m hungry and haven’t eaten for 7 hours.
I have spent many a day ignoring that little voice that says, “I need you right now to take care of ME. I’m hungry. I’m lonely and tired and you refuse to listen. “
And that’s where the trouble begins.
That’s the beginning of a temper tantrum that is almost impossible to stop. The arguing that goes on inside that tells me I’m done. I quit. I am not doing this, any of this anymore. I will NOT be responsible. I WILL not go to work. I WILL not clean my room, the house, the car or anything else that may be in front of me. I will stay in bed with the covers over my head and NEVER get up again.
Can you hear that voice? That one that makes absolutely no sense. Or does it?
Maybe all she’s asking is to take the time to sit down with her and have a dialogue that matters. A conversation with myself to reason things out. How important is it that I work so hard to achieve. Achieve what? Another goal that when I look back was motivated by fear of not being enough. Or a standard of excellence that looks more like perfectionism.
What exactly have I been asking of the child that lives inside this driven adult? To be perfect at any cost. To run until she can no longer stand. To be what the world is asking her to be even if it means she is not being true to herself. What am I doing and why?
I guess what I am trying to communicate with you and really with me is how important is what I am doing right here and right now? What are my motives?
Am I wanting to be good enough in your eyes so I will feel accepted and a part of? Am I afraid of not getting what I want or losing what I have? Am I so desperate to be everyone’s hero that I have totally neglected the desires of my own heart? Have I shut out God because I am too busy offering my best to the world and not offering me anything but exhaustion at the end of the day?
These are the questions I am afraid to ask because of what will I discover about myself when I learn the answers.
Today the child in me is overwhelmed with life. She’s done working so hard. She’s tired and wants to take a nap. She wants to eat ice cream and cookies while she watches cartoons all day long. She will do whatever it takes to get my attention. She will not give up until she gets what she wants.
And all she wants is for me to slow down long enough to hear her. Take the time to listen to what she needs.
Stop the world. I want to get off.
I get it. I know that I do my growth in a spiral motion. It just works that way for me. Peeling the onion one layer at a time. Go around once more and hear it at a different level. Hear it again and again until I really HEAR it.
Be quiet. Stop. Rest. Listen.
When I allow myself these gifts, I nurture that little girl inside who wants and needs me to cherish her and love her right where she’s at. When my love and time is unconditional miracles happen.
The tantrums slowly subside as she begins to trust me. Integrating the inner child with the adult me is a slow process that takes time and patience. It cannot be forced or accelerated. It must be done with intention and love. It is the miracle of growing up.
Okay. I will allow myself the space and time to grow into the beautiful woman God created me to be and I will do it one step at a time with a few time outs at the local rest step for maybe a tantrum, nap or simply a candy bar because we are both worth it.