What does that mean exactly? Intentional.
According to the Thesarus.com dictionary it means:
1. done with intention or on purpose; intended: an intentional insult.
2. of or pertaining to intention or purpose.
That being said it makes me wonder if I’ve ever been totally mindful and intentional with the life I’ve lived or simply the things I do on a daily basis.
Does running through life at the speed of light from one project to the next, leaving behind a half finished mess, constitute intention?
Let’s imagine this:
I sit down at my computer with every intention of starting and completing a simple project that should take no less than an hour.
2. The house phone rings and I stop and think, “Should I answer this or wait? Maybe it’s Joe’s doctor calling to reschedule an appointment. The phone continues to ring. Okay. I’ll make a quick side trip to answer it. How long can it take?
3. When I finally reach the phone, No answer. Dial tone. Oh well. Back to the my office.
4. Wait. The bed isn’t made. I better stop for just a couple minutes and make the bed. I’ll be quick.
5. Oops. The doorbell rings. Dash to the door. Man selling carpet cleaning. No thank you.
6. Glance in the kitchen. Dishes not done. Darn. I need to do the dishes. I’ll quickly wash and leave them in the dish drainer.
7. Hand towels a mess. Did I forget to get the wash started before I sat down at my computer to do my project? I promised myself I would start a load of wash. Ready, set, go. To the washer.
8. I am exhausted and I haven’t even started the project I was determined to complete over an hour ago.
Is it just me or does this sound like anyone you know?
I have been living life by the seat of my pants and in the fast lane since I was a kid. It was a pattern I developed to keep me busy and protect myself from the abusers in my home. If I was busy, I was productive and productivity in my childhood home was good.
The lessons that appear to be coming face to face with me in my adult life is that the patterns I created to serve my needs and protect myself from harm are now the same patterns that are creating havoc and drama in my life today.
So now what? How to I learn to let go of what I have always done to learn a new way of living? Yikes, that is a BIG question.
I’m not sure I have an answer much less believe I can ever find one.
But what I do know is that I am willing to make changes so I don’t have to keep repeating my past mistakes and create an atmosphere of victimhood in my everyday life.
First I know there is a payoff for me in every choice I make. I know what you’re thinking. There is no way you do what you do and like it.
You hate the results you’re getting but really….if you hated them that much why are you still doing them? Why am I? What is the payoff?
Is it the feeling of familiar? I know this dance. I know the steps. Even though I am not getting what I want, is it better to do what I know then to stop, right in my tracks, admit I don’t have a clue and ask for help?
You’re killing me. Ask for help? Not on your life.
I have asked myself a gazillion times why it hurts me to ask for help? Does it hurt any more to ask then to suffer in silence in my own insanity of doing the same thing over and over and praying for different results.
I can do it myself. Just watch me. I’ll show you. Ouch. Who am I kidding?
The truth is that I cannot do life all by myself. I never could, but it was easier to try then to open myself up to disappointment and rejection if I asked and the help didn’t come. What I learned and continue to learn is if I ask the wrong people for the right things they still cannot give me what they don’t have. I can become aware of the right people who can offer what I need and ask them for help.
So where does that leave me now?
With unfinished tasks all over the house? A cluttered closet to match my cluttered mind? A feeling of frustration for not having completed what I set out to do because I have 24 hours to change the world and I don’t have time to breathe much less be intentional?
Even as I write this, everything in me screams to get up and go get a cup of coffee. Go check on my husband outside. Go put the clothes in the dryer.
But today I am choosing to sit still and be intentional. Be right here, right now, in the moment, doing what’s in front of me.
Do the work.
Complete the task.
And take it one baby step at a time.
Right now outside, it’s spring and Change is coming.
The trees are sprouting new leaves. Flowers are beginning to bloom. Growth is in the air.
These plants are taking the time to allow God to water them, shine sun down on their faces and they are trusting the process that when they are ready to grow it will happen.
And because they are trees and flowers they never get caught up in being anything other than what they are.
They never think themselves out of completing what they started. They let go and grow, with intention.
Besides when have you ever seen a tree try to make a bed and do the laundry?
Today I will relax, be intentional, finish one thing at a time and let go of the internal angst.
How about you?